A nice girl is someone who everyone turns to whenever they have a problem. Always has a smile on her face, a contagious laughter, and is pleasant to be around. She is someone who will take on extra work, and responsibilities, and even take the blame without questioning because she is more concerned with other people's needs and happiness than her own. She is caring, loving, and always forgiving. Although all these are her admirable traits, many times, it's at the expense of her own time, energy, boundaries, and happiness. And so she regretted it. For a while, "I STOPPED BEING THE NICE GIRL".
My trusted people know this. Although I don't speak much about it [in fact this may be the first time], they've witnessed firsthand my journey to overcoming relationship traumas. After some encounters with people and certain taken-for-granted-moments-because-I-chose-to-see-the-good-in-them, one day, I found myself walking out of the room, building a gap with people and deciding to never cross paths with them again. Ever.
For quite some time, I crafted a life that was led by their expectations —the expectation to decide, act, and speak maturely all the time. To view life as neatly and pleasantly as possible. To rush my growth so I can measure up. I let them control the free-spirited, joyful woman in me because I thought that their STANDARD was the STANDARD. I thought their good treatment was the best and only what I deserved. I thought kindness and mastering the art of compromise were sustainable. Truth is, upholding this image for others is not only exhausting but unrealistic especially if you are not being reciprocated. Although it hurts, my experiential wisdom and the truth that God speaks to me helped me to walk away and reminded me that I don't need validation from other people to add more to my self-worth. And so I stopped pleasing everyone. I stopped living for them.
Consequently, it caused me to not open my heart again to new friendships. Closed doors, shut windows, and high walls will protect me —will keep me safe. These defenses can prevent me from going through a miserable fall apart once again. I thought that being a little less kind and less approachable were the best defense mechanisms. Keeping my face straight even if I feel like smiling. Keeping quiet even if I would love to laugh my heart out over some corny jokes. What I hate about healing is the part where you have to gang up with the worst feelings such as insecurity, shame, regret, hurt, fear, etc. Days, months, and years passed. I wasn't bitter anymore but I grew numb. And I was okay with it. I zoned out from people and I don't mind. Being alone may be lonely, I told myself, but at least it’s safe. Yet deep within, I knew it was not me. It was not the woman my Creator designed me to be.
Desperate for help resisting this hardened heart, I prayed through it, grew through it, and eventually got healed from it. Thank God for his redeeming love and the right community He brought me. At first, my prayers were stiff and a bit reluctant; I had to choke out the words. But day after day, I persisted in prayer: "Lord, be with me. Heal whatever hurt is driving me to act this way. Show me a different way. Please help me release forgiveness to all those unheard apologies."
I don't know what happened honestly, but I am certain that by obeying Jesus' command to love your neighbor as yourself [Mark 12:30-31], my heart became soft and open again. God enabled me to reject bitterness and choose forgiveness. I never got to have a reconciliation conversation with that 'friend', but even so, God healed my hurt and protected my heart.
And just to share, there was one night, while I was attending a church service, the Preacher accidentally looked in my direction. It was as if looking at me eye-to-eye and speaking straight to my heart, she read the scripture in Galatians 6:9, where the Apostle Paul tells us, “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."
I stared back at her with admiration for what I journeyed, and in between silent wide smiles, I said to myself, "Yes, she's right. Thank God for sustaining me through that healing journey. Thank God I didn't get weary and I know I'm back at my own skin again."
I stopped being the nice girl because of certain people yet I realized letting them dwell in me for long is not worth it. Wanting to hear sincere apologies is not worth seeking. Letting hatred consume me is damaging the very image of Christ in me.
As believers, we are called to live like Jesus. But we can’t live like Jesus if we don’t really know how He lived during His time on earth. God has been hurt by relational conflict also. He has been disappointed. Ignored. Insulted. Abandoned. There’s no betrayal or hurt we experience that God has not felt 10 million times over. Therefore, who am I to stop being nice to people?
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