I like this quote from the Perks of Being a Wildflower that says, "I am very interested and fascinated by how everyone loves each other, but no one really likes each other."
This quote was very relatable to me at the beginning of 2023--here's why:
When I was 20 years old [that was 5-years ago btw], I started writing down the characteristics of a man I hope to marry soon. I included there a timeline asking God if it's possible to introduce him to me when I get 25. I have this checklist at hand. I listed my negotiable and non-negotiable. I was very specific with things I like about him and things I don't, then, I emailed them to my 25-year old self.
Fast forward, few months before turning 25, I met a guy whom I actually respect. He is not hard to admire if I were to be honest. He is confident, prim-and-proper, and eloquent. He is generous and kind to people around Him. More importantly, He loves Jesus. This guy eventually became my friend. Only to learned later on that He did that on purpose. That he intentionally came to me to get to know me.
Anyway, that's how quickly things went. After few months of exchange conversations, and handful of prayers of course, we started seeing each other. He laid down his intentions. He said he prayed about it. He said he was sure that I am the woman he wanted to pursue. He said he likes that I'm a low-maintenance type of woman. He said that He is seeing his future with me -- building a family, life, and ministry together. We went on several coffee dates talking about "us" and asking each other hard questions hoping to break each other's walls so we could see each other through.
Few months of getting-to-know-each-other-deeply went by. All was well between the two of us until it wasn't anymore. After constantly praying about it, one day, we found ourselves seeing our 'future together' as an intangible concept to figure out.
We certainly value and appreciate each other but along the way we realized the bitter truth of most relationships: loving but not liking someone can sometimes lead to slow detachments which eventually will make things easier for you to say NO. STOP. LET GO.
OUR DIFFERENCES
We differ in many ways. Although, we believe that differences is an important ingredient of a healthy relationship [if will be managed properly], we realized that our own sets of expectations and standards weigh heavier compared to our affections towards each other. We realized that our affections cannot be equated with wanting to be together for the rest of our lives. Our own idea of each other's personality was far from who we really are.
IT TAKES TWO TO TANGO
One of my takeaway from that experience is this: relationships won't workout if you will treat it like those in fairytales. Even as early as pursuing stages, people should understand that to give a graceful dance, partners should see each other as 'partners'. Anytime one party ignores or excludes consideration for the other, the relationship is doomed. In my case, on our early first dates, he had all our future figured out already. He is a very systematic person and so he planned when we will get married, where we will live, and the housewife I would become should the Lord permits to bind us together. His plans were all incredibly beautiful, but apparently, it was not all congruent to my own plans, to my own timeline. During that time, I cannot resist asking questions such as, "Do you really like me? As in ME? All my thoughts, my habits, and my hobbies? Or you just like the idea of ME?"
Obviously, the Lord has a different plan for both of us. And eventually, as time is the ultimate truth teller, I got the answers to my questions -- he may be an ideal man but if he isn't the man God prepared for me, still, he is not right for me.
YOU'LL KNOW WHEN YOU KNOW
Am I healed enough to write about this? The answer is yes. The only intention why I am writing this is because I wanna bring encouragement to my fellow women who experienced or might experience the same dating frustration. I feel like by spirit, the Lord is leading me to minister to other soft-hearted women out there. The Lord will let you know what you need to know at a proper time. I'm no expert at dating as that was also my first time but I am grateful for the experience. It humbled me a lot.
Before I end, some would probably ask me, "Wait, is it possible to get hurt even if you were the one who turned down the person? Or even if there were no official relationship to begin with? The answer is also yes.
Women, whatever you've felt on how what you've experienced were valid. All your emotions are valid. But handle them with grace. You cannot let your emotions outweigh the very plan of God for you. Pray about it. Talk about it with your accountable people. Ask your mom of dating advises. You'll surely learn a lot.
Lastly, I received the email my 20year-old self sent to me on my 25th birthday. I was laughing my heart out while reading my checklist. Strangely, I'm still four months away from being 26, I haven't met the right person yet. Or have I?
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